[450] Fwd: nerd humor

Tue Jan 7 01:28:23 EST 2014

An electron is traveling down a highway, a cop pulls him over and says " do you realize you were traveling at 85 mph", the electron says "great now I'm lost".

________________________________
 From: John Foege <john.foege at gmail.com>
To: 144. 450 Mailing List <450 at lists.vhfwiki.com> 
Sent: Saturday, January 4, 2014 7:53 PM
Subject: [450] Fwd: nerd humor

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "John Foege" <john.foege at gmail.com>
Date: Jan 4, 2014 4:36 PM
Subject: nerd humor
To: "n1ujs at toast.net" <n1ujs at toast.net>

Theory is when one knows
everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but nobody
knows why. In our lab, theory and practice go hand in hand: nothing works and
nobody knows why.

Atoms Converse
------------------------

Atom #1: I have lost an electron! 
Atom #2: Are you sure? 
Atom #1: I am positive.

The Drunken Neutron
-------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much
for a beer?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty
----------------------------------------------------- 

Heisenberg was
driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The
policeman asked, “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg
replied, “No, but I know where I am.”

Convergence
-------------------
A
mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this
mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were
lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then,
every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the
previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked,
“When will the girls and boys meet?” 

The
mathematician said, “Never.” 

The
physicist said, “In an infinite amount of time.” 

The
engineer said, “Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all
practical purposes.”

Fire
------
An
engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a
hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his
trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and
douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the
bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back
to sleep.  
A
little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks
into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does some
calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters
of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to
sleep.  
A
few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on
fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back
to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.  
Meanwhile,
the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he
needed more samples.

Binary
---------
There are only 10 different kinds of persons – those who understand binary, and those who do not.

Airline Maintenance
---------------------

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
“gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident. 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S:
Almost replaced left inside main tire.  

P:
Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what they're for. 

P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny.  
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 

Quote from a Stochastic Differential Equations text
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have
not succeeded in answering all our problems. The answers we have found only
serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways we
feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher
level and about more important things.

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