[450] Fwd: nerd humor

[John Foege]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "John Foege" <john.foege at gmail.com>
Date: Jan 4, 2014 4:36 PM
Subject: nerd humor
To: "n1ujs at toast.net" <n1ujs at toast.net>

Theory is when one knows everything but nothing works. Practice is when
everything works but nobody knows why. In our lab, theory and practice go
hand in hand: nothing works and nobody knows why.

Atoms Converse
------------------------

Atom #1: I have lost an electron!

Atom #2: Are you sure?

Atom #1: I am positive.


The Drunken Neutron

-------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”


Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty

-----------------------------------------------------

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a
policeman. The policeman asked, “Do you know how fast you were going back
there?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”


Convergence

-------------------

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this
mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were
lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.
Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half
the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer
were asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”



The mathematician said, “Never.”



The physicist said, “In an infinite amount of time.”



The engineer said, “Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough
for all practical purposes.”


Fire

------

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are all
staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to
find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice
bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs
back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the
trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep.

A little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously
breaks into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does
some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75
liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes
back to sleep.

A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is
on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then
goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists.

Meanwhile, the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans
on fire -- he needed more samples.


Binary

---------

There are only 10 different kinds of persons – those who understand
binary, and those who do not.

Airline Maintenance
---------------------

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.



Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found o­n right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



Quote from a Stochastic Differential Equations text

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have not succeeded in answering all our problems. The answers we have
found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some
ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on
a higher level and about more important things.
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