<div class="gmail_quote">---------- Forwarded message ----------<br>From: "John Foege" <<a href="mailto:john.foege@gmail.com">john.foege@gmail.com</a>><br>Date: Jan 4, 2014 4:36 PM<br>Subject: nerd humor<br>
To: "<a href="mailto:n1ujs@toast.net">n1ujs@toast.net</a>" <<a href="mailto:n1ujs@toast.net">n1ujs@toast.net</a>><br><br type="attribution"><div dir="ltr"><div>Theory is when one knows
everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but nobody
knows why. In our lab, theory and practice go hand in hand: nothing works and
nobody knows why.<br><br></div>Atoms Converse<br>------------------------<br><div><p class="MsoNormal">Atom #1: I have lost an electron!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Atom #2: Are you sure?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Atom #1: I am positive.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br></p><p class="MsoNormal">The Drunken Neutron</p><p class="MsoNormal">-------------------------------<br></p><p class="MsoNormal">A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much
for a beer?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span>Heisenberg’s Principle of Uncertainty</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span>-----------------------------------------------------</span> <br>
</p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt;text-align:justify">Heisenberg was
driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The
policeman asked, “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg
replied, “No, but I know where I am.”</p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt;text-align:justify"><br></p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt;text-align:justify">Convergence</p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt;text-align:justify">
-------------------</p><p class="MsoNormal">A
mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this
mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were
lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then,
every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the
previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked,
“When will the girls and boys meet?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The
mathematician said, “Never.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The
physicist said, “In an infinite amount of time.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The
engineer said, “Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all
practical purposes.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br></p><p class="MsoNormal">Fire</p><p class="MsoNormal">------</p><p class="MsoNormal">An
engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a
hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his
trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and
douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the
bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back
to sleep. </p>
<p>A
little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks
into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does some
calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly .75 liters
of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to
sleep. </p>
<p>A
few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on
fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back
to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists. </p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt">Meanwhile,
the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire -- he
needed more samples.</p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><br></p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt">Binary</p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt">---------</p><pre><span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">There are only 10 different kinds of persons – those who understand binary, and those who do not.<br>
<br></span></pre><pre><span style="font-size:12pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"">Airline Maintenance<br>---------------------<br><br></span></pre><p class="MsoNormal"><span style>After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
“gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">S:
Almost replaced left inside main tire. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">P:
Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.</p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Something loose in cockpit.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Something tightened in cockpit.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Dead bugs on windshield.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Live bugs on back-order.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Evidence removed.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: DME volume set to more believable level.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: That's what they're for.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: IFF inoperative.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Suspected crack in windshield.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Suspect you're right.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Number 3 engine missing.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Aircraft handles funny. </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Target radar hums.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>P: Mouse in cockpit.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style>S: Cat installed.</span></p>
<p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt"><span style> </span></p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt">Quote from a Stochastic Differential Equations text</p><p style="margin:0in 0in 0.0001pt">--------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA">We have
not succeeded in answering all our problems. The answers we have found only
serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some</span></p>
<span lang="EN-CA">ways we
feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher
level and about more important things.</span><pre><br></pre></div></div>
</div>